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Siempre Tango News
El Cabeceo
Posted: 14:42, Saturday 11 November 2006 by Megan Jones
Updated: 17:42, Tuesday 14 November 2006 by Megan Jones
We are reposting this article with a couple of additions…as it seems to be provoking some thought…
Don’t know how to do it? Of course you do! Picture yourself in a crowded cafe with a friend – you have offered to order while your friend finds a table. Too late they are gone and you realise you didn’t ask them what they wanted to drink. Knowing they have a particular liking for Ginger Beer, you find one in the fridge, search them out across the room, hold up the drink, catch their eye and raise your eyebrows, tilting your head – in essence asking if they want one. They respond with a quick nod or shake of the head, and it’s all done, deal is sorted – it’s that easy!!
Why on earth would we use this?? Lots of reasons:
- It puts the ball back in the leaders court. The leaders can listen to the DJ, find out if the tanda approaching will be one they want to dance to, and then they can look for the person they want to dance with to that music. Since I started leading, I have much, much more appreciation for this ‘right’ of the leader to choose whether they want to dance (or not) according to whether they feel inspired by the music, rather than feeling harassed by people asking them to dance irrespective of the music. (Clearly, if you are sitting right next to someone, and you are already in conversation with them, it’s easy enough to say ‘Dance?’ as an invitation! Hhowever, it’s also easy just to catch their eye and tilt your head too)
- It means the tanda and cortina have an appropriate function. Once a tanda (the grouping of songs) comes to an end, everyone is supposed to leave the dance floor – that means the cortina (the short contrasting piece of music between sets) is the time when leaders and followers can peruse the room and see who is available for the next tanda, clearly making themselves available, or not, if they perhaps don’t want to dance to di sarli tangos, canaro milongas, fast vals, gotan electronica etc.
- The right of a follower to make herself available or not is also respected. If a lady is deep in conversation, has taken her shoes off, is heading to the bathroom, she clearly is not interested in the next tanda! Just because we have an imbalance of men/women in favour of the men, does not mean the leaders have a right to interrupt clearly important conversations occurring between women! If she looks away when the leader tries to catch her eye, she is not interested or isn’t available at that moment, and the leader hasn’t walked across the room in order to find that out – and the lady is also not left feeling as though she has said ‘no’ to her only invitation to dance..if the leader does want to dance with her, he will check again later to see if she is free rather than making her feel she has to dance right then. It is uncomfortable for anyone (leader or follower) to have to say no when someone asks them to dance and they don’t want to (yes, it’s easy to say they should just say no, but I’ve heard enough ppl talk about feeling uncomfortable doing so to know ppl end up dancing when they feel pressured). If she is waiting to catch your eye, however…and it is not a fleeting thing like the way you look at a stranger in the street and quickly glance away – it’s quite obvious when someone is searching to catch your eye and gives you time to realise this and to then respond either by holding their gaze/nodding/smiling & getting up to go to the dance floor or looking away.
- It stops people being harassed! It is not polite to ask someone to dance, have them say no, and then ask again 30 seconds later! Using the cabeceo allows everyone some dignity in refusing an invitation. A milonga is a social night out at which everyone is present to have a good time – not to do a ‘duty’ to every person who feels they ‘should’ receive a dance. In BsAs they have ‘taxi dancers’ who can be paid to dance for a tanda, and that is the only time one can ‘expect’ a dance!
- (It is also not fair to specifically ask a teacher to dance at every single milonga – they usually try to look for people they haven’t danced with in a while etc. Dancing once a fortnight with a teacher will not make you a brilliant dancer and it is simply not possible for the teachers to do that for everyone. Dancing with your own partner/friends is the way to improve – both for yourself and the wider community. As an example, Ben and I had a number of private classes while in BsAs with Adrian and Alejandra, but I never asked him to dance at milongas despite seeing him often, and he asked me just once – it was an absolute treat, and I did not see having paid him for classes meaning I had a right to dance with him at milongas. But, this post is not just about teachers, of either gender, but the whole community)
- So, that means, if someone invites a partner to dance, and that person clearly looks away, it means they don’t want to dance…and that should be respected by the first person, the inviter, then not continuing to stare them down in the hope of changing their mind! ;) In the same way that if someone invites someone verbally to dance, they need to be prepared for that person to say ‘no’ and to accept the decline of their request graciously, not to be asking ‘why not’ or getting upset..just because you ask a question doesn’t always mean you’ll get an answer, or indeed the answer that you want! ;)
So, we’ll be talking about the cabeceo a bit more this week in class and giving you a chance to practise it there before you unleash your eyebrow raising skills in the milonga at Higher Ground next week!
Comments, questions? Add them here or send an email and we will do our best to answer them. :) Clearly from the photos inserted, Alejandra has other things to focus on than the impending tanda, Anabella is waiting to catch your eye, and Tiz is trying to catch the attention of the person over your right shoulder!
Sorry, commenting on this article is closed.
Community discussion on this article
At 14:34 on Friday, 10 November 2006 Ana said:
This is a very complex issue. I sympathise with both parties (leaders/followers) here. I think those rules worked smoothly in the 1920s when there was no shortage of men… Today, tango has a different flavour, objective and it can be difficult to be a follower without a permanent dance partner! Some people pay to get in and wait weeks to have a few dances and you can understand their disappointement if they are not asked. Anyway, I think our leaders do a great job and I hope that people enjoy dancing with each other regardless of how advanced they are (and I hope that teachers too don’t expect just to dance with their fellow colleagues! :)
At 15:11 on Friday, 10 November 2006 Megan said:
It’s tricky isn’t it – I do understand that disappointment, but reality is it is an activity that requires two people, unlike belly-dancing! ;) We can continue to try our best to attract more men to ST, but we cannot guarantee people will be asked to dance at a social event. I was speaking with Alejandra when they were here, and she said there are still occasions in BsAs when there are many more women than men…and if she has arrived at a milonga where that is the case and has not gone with a dance partner, she will go home – and we know what an incredible dancer she is! I think the ST male teachers do a very generous job dancing with different people (and they have the right to dance more frequently with their own partners as anyone else with a partner does)...but it is just not reasonable for students and ex-students to expect to dance with them at every single milonga! Particularly when two of our three male dancers are DJ’s and therefore have a responsibility when they are DJing to look after the music ahead of anything else. The other thing we are becoming aware of is how many couples we are losing from classes & milongas because we have strongly encouraged people to change partners, and hence the lady half of the couple ends up sitting out while the man is dancing with someone else. I have no easy answers for these tricky issues, they are things we are trying to work on – but we are very much interested in hearing positive suggestions and ideas…and in not wearing out the men we do have when what they are after is a relaxing night out rather than a tango-marathon.
At 15:38 on Friday, 10 November 2006 Megan said:
Mmm..not meaning to suggest it’s just teachers either…have a look at Andrew G sometimes – he only has to look like he’s coming off the floor and women are lining up to ask him to dance! :) I’ve heard him apologise saying no to someone because it’s the end of the night and he’s only been able to dance with Kellie once! And you don’t always see the same enthusiasm given to beginners.
At 16:17 on Friday, 10 November 2006 Ana said:
I can only speak here for myself. I am not disappointed. I don’t expect Mark and Ben to dance with me, hence I hardly ever put in practice the cabaceo, so that they don’t feel pressured. I think the students are very grateful if they get a dance with anyone, not just with teachers. The nice thing about the teachers ‘sharing themselves’ around is that they become one with the community in a social situation. It takes two to tango. They need each other for emotional survival. I wouldn’t worry, I think the guys can work out when to say no. I think women should learn how to lead without much stress and that would ease some of the pressure :). If that doesn’t work, well, it’s time for some marriage counselling… :)
At 18:08 on Friday, 10 November 2006 Ana said:
I know! :) Why don’t we introduce a night when only women are allowed to ask guys to dance. Women can go crazy, have a bit of fun, get it out of their system… Other nights,just strictly men. Can we introduce some hefty fines if someone breaks the rules? :)haha
At 13:49 on Saturday, 11 November 2006 Mark Stojani said:
Personally, I’ve been dancing for six years and do like dancing with lot’s of partners. I’m not sure about embracing the whole cabeceo thing over here. I kind of like a different approach. I do feel some responsibility to share myself around I suppose but at this stage of our development it’s not a burden. I do notice improvement in partners which is always interesting and tend to enjoy most dances in some form. Obviously, the better the dancer, the more freedom to interpret the music and therefore the more enjoyable the dance. Simple as that. And we always have the power to say yes or no and accept the consequences.
At 14:30 on Saturday, 11 November 2006 Ben said:
Mark’s suggestion to maintain a different approach is fine. Each person has a choice to follow the cabeceo path or the non-Argentine approach of just asking. When you verbally ask an officiando of the cabeceo to dance though, you’ll need to understand you’ll probably always get turned down! If we respect this once we realise they don’t want to be asked verbally that then there’s no problem.
As a follower, if you’re someone who likes asking verbally, but would like to dance with someone who practises cabeceo, make sure you’re prepared to follow those eye rules and it’s all good… Because if you don’t look, you’ll never make eye contact and there’ll be no dance. If you keep asking verbally – you’ll just annoy them!
Both practises can co-exist – as they do in Buenos Aires (although as Meg’s already pointed out, generally the Argentines do not say “?Bailas?” unless they’re already talking to you about something else). It's the foreigners who ask, but the milongas don't implode when they do, it's just kinda like sticking chopsticks up your nose in a Chinese restaurant, hey AndrewM?
At 18:32 on Saturday, 11 November 2006 Ana said:
Good to know what our leaders prefer, thank you. So ladies,for Mark, wait patiently, for Ben, focus intensely. No ladies night? Ohhhh :)
At 19:28 on Saturday, 11 November 2006 Ben said:
I didn’t state a preference in my comment. However, staring at people is rude in most cultures, including both Australian and Argentine…
At 21:46 on Saturday, 11 November 2006 Ana said:
Would you please state your preference Ben so that the ladies know how to approach you. Your comment at no. 7 led me to believe you would go for cabeceo. Cheers.
At 13:38 on Sunday, 12 November 2006 Ben said:
But this article’s not about me, or my preferences. And I guess the point of the topic is that you shouldn’t need to ask (me or anyone).
At 18:22 on Sunday, 12 November 2006 Ana said:
I think it would be great if everyone got as many pleasurable dances as
possible. Effective communication between leaders and followers to make things smooth for both so that nobody gets annoyed was my point(and that of the article’s I thought).If I have no clue you practice cab,I might wonder why we never dance so I might come and harass you which you don’t want. And if I don’t know that Roger likes to ask (or be asked) and I happen to search for his eyes all night long, well, it would be a futile effort. All in all, it seems the guys are pretty tuned in.
Oh, do you realise I have a glass eye? .)
just kidding! :)
At 13:32 on Monday, 13 November 2006 Andrew M said:
As a part time tango event goer and proponent of the cabeceo via well timed non-glancing and alcoholism, I feel a certain responsibility in providing some teachings of what I like to call, the avoi-dance. First of all, attend said gatherings with a dancer – this takes much of the focus off you and places it squarely on the extrovert. Secondly, align yourself in a non static area, people will always be coming and going and this is a much more efficient use of social space as you can answer them one by one when they ask of your intending starting date as a social dancer. This is of course, sometime in the future – and as this gets reiterated at different events it is an oasis on the dancing horizon that your horse won't reach anytime soon.
Persistant on-site testing has proved that a lot can be said with the eyes, but even more can be said with the back of the head. This reiterates that placement is vital. A well-timed stroll past some artwork, or a chin wag with the local bar-keep will hold dancing vultures circling until your partner returns to base camp to perform a lube and shoe change.
If the inevitable happens, don’t be picky turning down someone for a dance - treat the dancers with equal contempt. The longer anyone has spent in the scene the more they should treat the non tango’er as a piece of furniture. Newer members of the scene should catch on to this, and treat the non-dancer as said furniture, or that of a dancer that danced long ago, but chooses not to do so for some mystical and ultimately praiseworthy reason.
The partaking of a tango event as a dedicated non dancer should be seen more as a indication of praise for the scene and should not be used to outline competencies, as we all know that different people are skilled in different areas, and that no-one can truly compete with chopsticks up the nose.
At 18:24 on Monday, 13 November 2006 Mike L said:
Chopsticks and avoi-dance :-) aside, it seems to me there are two issues here: one is the practice of el cabeceo as a means of inviting someone to dance, the other is the uneven numbers of leaders and followers. The latter’s obviously an ongoing thing and we can only encourage more leaders (ie, men and also those few women who have sometimes taken leader’s roles). I like the idea of occassions (maybe a tanda or two?)when women get to ask men and vice versa. It’s been during those times at milongas that I’ve danced with people I might not have been brave enough to ask.
[Which reminds me to say that, as a new dancer, I’m only slowly getting over my terror at dancing with women whom I’ve seen just minutes before doing subtle and amazing things on the dancefloor!]
As for el cabeceo, it looks to me like one element among many that we can use to get together. We listen to each other on the dance floor; could it be that sometimes we need to open up that unspoken conversation a little earlier?
At 16:03 on Tuesday, 14 November 2006 Ben said:
For those who don’t know, there are now a couple of discussion lists on the net relating to Australian tango – in particular the Sydney and Melbourne scenes. They seem to be divorced from the actual tango schools, which I think is good.
Any way, there was some discussion on this stuff early on in the life of the Melbourne list. Check out Yahoogroups and you can see the messages at:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/melbournetango/message/23
The Sydney one is also on Yahoogroups.
At 19:16 on Tuesday, 14 November 2006 Roger said:
Your comment about teachers and asking them.
When I have spent a Sunday class being shown all my flaws and watching the the teacher demonstrate the correct way, I find it a little intimidating to dance with them. Not that I am a shy little flower(stop laughing), but that I feel it must irritate the hell out of teachers, as followers, to by dragged around the floor. It may be different for teachers as leaders.
Roger
At 23:54 on Tuesday, 14 November 2006 Megan said:
Nothing wrong with being dragged around the floor Roger – as long as it’s musical! ;) I don’t ask the guys who are already confident asking ladies to dance, as I know there are other ladies waiting to dance…and I figure if they aren’t asking me to dance, they don’t want to, and that’s ok too! I will ask guys who are starting out with ST and still seem reluctant to step onto the dance floor, let alone appearing comfortable asking people they don’t know to dance yet – no irritation involved. And using the cabaceo means they aren't pressured to feel they have to.
At 00:02 on Wednesday, 15 November 2006 Roger spence said:
Reference Ana’s remarks. I sincerley apologise if I have have given offence, by missing an eye. I will seek to amend this social error at the next milonga.
At 08:55 on Wednesday, 15 November 2006 Megan said:
Refer back to a) the person making the cabeceo allowing time for the person to realise what they are doing and b) it being a way of invitation which is supposed to reduce all manner of offence! If they want to dance with you, and realise you missed it, they’ll try again. :)
At 11:32 on Wednesday, 15 November 2006 Ana said:
Roger,
You have never offended me, seriously,I actually know that you like to ask rather than search for my eyes. I was just trying to make the point that it’s important to know people’s preferences, habits. I am looking forward to be your ‘cab’ victim at the next milonga :).